Little Things

He weighed 6 pounds and .6 ounces when he was born, and I actually get to know that little detail!

It's one of the first things we learn when someone we know has a baby.  What's the name, and how big was he or she?  When you adopt someone who is not a newborn, you are lucky if you ever get to know those kinds of details.  I know so little about Zade's first year and a half of life, and I have to accept that.  I will never have a baby picture.  I don't have his birth statistics.  Was he fussy or as happy as can be?  When did he first sit or crawl or stand or walk?  How did he like to be held?  Was there anyone who actually held him when he cried?  I will never know.

But I got lucky yesterday.  I got to read stacks and stacks of files on Miss Independent and Wee One.  No, we don't actually get to move ahead on their adoption, yet, but we are all set for that magical day when we can move ahead.  We are assured that those in power are trying to get that day here as quickly as they can.  They let us read the files and sign off on all the medical paperwork in advance.  I think it was a bit of a "sorry we can't really let you move forward" move, but I was very grateful.  I do feel like we moved a little closer.  I feel like we have an understanding with the case worker that we all hope and plan for the same outcome even if we have to be a little more patient right now.  I taught Miss Independent how to write her new name today, which is something I have been afraid to do.  Every time I hugged them since reading those files, I felt in some strange way that they are closer to being forever mine.  We're getting there.  My breath was taken away the second we opened each large binder because the file started with a picture.  The pictures in each file were ones I had taken over Easter.  Wee One was hanging out with Zade, his brother.  Miss Independent was posing beautifully with Basia, her sister.  Even in their official CPS files, they are connected to our family in such an obvious way on page one.

Most of the paperwork was pretty boring.  A huge amount of it was something I had written or was a part in creating during the past year and a half.  I skipped through the stacks of pages that documented every single doctor visit we had.  I flipped past all those monthly reports I filed.  I skimmed the plans we developed for meeting their needs for each 6-month-period.

There were some interesting facts about their first parents and grandparents that we did not know.  I think they were important to know, but they will be hard to share someday when the kids ask.  There were details about why they were removed that we were never told, and they are not pretty.  There were details about a possible kinship placement being studied early in the case that we knew nothing about.   I learned exactly why Miss Independent became so very independent before she joined us.

I went into this with a few questions.  I wanted to know why Miss Independent was already being watched by CPS at the age of 1 but not removed for another year.  I wanted to know how long they had lived in the Child Crisis Center before they joined our family.

And I wanted some of those little details that matter so little in the course of life but somehow make me feel more secure in the role of mom.

I know how big you were when you were born.

I know you were born via c-section.

I even know what time you were born, though I wouldn't meet you for three more months.

Those little things.  They are now a part of his story that won't be lost, even if I'm the only one who will ever care.

I can't say the same for Zade.  I can't say the same for Miss Independent.

I can say, though, that, Wee One, you were born at 5 in the afternoon and weighed less than a full ounce over 6 pounds.  And those little things make me smile.