That Adoption that Never Was

I follow the blog of a family that was in the same program as us when we were trying to adopt from Burundi.  I check in every few weeks to see if they have updated their adoption progress.  I always knew that my heart would sink when I saw that they brought a child home.  Even though things are just as they should be in our home and family, it's hard to fully give up that dream of an international adoption that I have had since I was a teen.  I would be happy for the other family, of course, and ecstatic for the child, but I would be a little sad for myself.

As the months and now years have passed when they still were not able to adopt from Burundi, I felt much better about our choice to leave the program and focus on fostering to adopt.  I believe that family has had their dossier in Burundi for over 3 years, since our own 3-year point is fast approaching.  I checked their blog again last night, and it happened.  They have a new son!

Their new son is not from Burundi, however.  Their new son is not even from the African continent.  They, too, decided that the wait was too long and brutal and changed programs to an Asian program.  Whew!  Again I feel that we were right to follow where we were called, even though it was so different than what we wanted.

As someone who had years of infertility, I am a bit sad that I never got to experience labor and delivery (Brishen was a planned c-section) and never got to breastfeed again.  I feel a similar slight sadness about adoption dreams that turned out differently than expected.   I know that will sound ungrateful since we are so abundantly blessed.  I know that those who don't really know the ins and outs of different types of adoptions also won't fully understand the difference between what we have experienced and what we thought we would be experiencing.

With Basia we were matched shortly before her birth and were able to pick her up from the hospital.  That was amazing and an experience that I am so very happy to have had.  See, I'm spoiled.  I was able to have a biological son and to adopt privately right at birth.  I am so thankful for both.  We have also been able to adopt Zade through the foster care system.  He came to us as a straight fostering situation, and a year later his first parents' rights were terminated, and he became our forever son three months after that.  I am so thankful for that experience.  I don't know how the next year will play out, but I fully plan to have some more beautiful success stories for which to be grateful.

So what am I whining about?  I'm not trying to whine, but I do feel a bit sad that I didn't get to be matched with a waiting child, either internationally or through the foster care system.  That was our plan going into another adoption to begin with and even our plan when we started the process of foster adoption.  For months or even years I read blogs about international adoption and followed families who had that "moment" when they first met THEIR child.  I know that it rarely goes smoothly, and the kids are not likely to be anywhere near as excited and sure of things as the new parents, but I was ready to experience that moment of meeting MY waiting child overseas.

We first got our foster/adopt homestudy to be matched with a waiting sibling group.  I thought we would shortly be sharing our happy news about the bunch of kids we had been matched with and then have that moment when we first got to meet them.  It would be different than an international adoption in so many ways, but it would be similar in that we would know they were OUR children from the moment we met them.  When we switched to foster adoption, the dream only slightly changed.  We thought we would still have that "moment" of meeting OUR child for the first time.

I recently realized that I haven't fully given up that dream.  One of our case workers is also adopting.  She was matched with two kids, met them last month, and then brought them home a couple weeks later.  Talking to her made me remember that we thought we would be doing the same thing.  Maybe adopting like that sounds so nice right now because we are between 5 and 24 months into our four separate foster care cases without any assurances of anything.  The roller coaster just gets longer.  Maybe I am longing for the sort of assurance that comes with being matched:  "Here is your child.  You are allowed to love this child as your own from the first moment with no guilt.  You can plan a future and they will be there with you."    That sounds so nice and clean, but that was not in the cards for us.

Instead we will have an interesting life story, with ups and downs, heartbreak and hope, and touches of drama here and there.  "None of us want to be in calm waters all our lives," is a Jane Austen quote I love.  I know that some day I will get to look back on this life and be happy for all the things that did not work out quite as we had planned.  There are so many instances of that already, for sure.  I just think a little calm water sounds nice about now...