1785

That is the number of pages on the PDF file on CD that was dropped off at my door last week.  It is the entire case file relating to Cassia and Edison.  All of it.  The very first call to CPS over a year before they were taken into custody and before Edison was even born is in there.  When I requested permission to take the kids thirty minutes away from home across a state border for some reason or other, the request and the copies of the request for each lawyer are in there.  When I sent a little email about someone's doctor's appointment or bump on the head, it was put in the file.  When someone made a call to someone about anything, it was put in the file.  Notes about the condition of my house are in that file.  Notes like:

"I asked permission to enter, and I was granted permission by Mrs. Moore.  The children looked clean and cared for.  Cassia was wearing XYZ and had no visible bruises.  Edison was wearing QRS and had a bruise on his left arm.  The condition of the house was fine.  There was electricity as verified by lights on.  There was adequate food as could be seen in a fruit bowl on the table.  There were no bad smells.  When Edison got in trouble for XYZ, Mrs. Moore handled it in QRS way.  When Cassia fell, she went to Mrs. Moore for comforting."  and on and on.

You know, being a foster parent is pretty tough.  I didn't need to know that those sorts of notes are being taken about all the details of my home and interactions.  My next home visit is tomorrow.  By golly, I will make sure we have electricity, visible food on the counter, and perfectly dressed children.  I can't imagine the notes that were taken that time the case worker came an hour early after I had barely gotten the school children out the door and then had only time left to feed the baby a bottle, meaning I was not dressed nor were the other little ones.   "Sir Smiles is wearing pajama pants that do not match his t-shirt from yesterday.  I know there is food in the house because crumbs are still visible on the faces of the boys."

The reality is that it is really heartbreaking to read this file.  It hurts to know what Cassia went through in her little life.  I have read through 744 pages, and most of it is sad.

It is also humbling how a short email that says, "Our agency recommends the Moore family for this placement," is all it took to bring them to us forever.  That's the entire email that led our home to be selected for these children.  I also now know how close we were to losing them a few times.  How can I not feel incredibly blessed that they are ours?

This file is a real example as to the complexity of adoption through foster care.  Our joy at getting to love these children as our own forever more only came after pain and loss.  Our love doesn't erase the pain and loss.  It's still there.  Some day my kids will read their files.  They will read my emails to their case workers.  They will read about their first parent's therapy appointments.  They will know their whole stories.  It's been hard on me to read.  I cannot imagine when they are the ones reading it.