In my mind I think that I have to keep those sorts of thoughts and comments to myself because others can correctly say that I brought all this on myself. I said yes to more and more children when any sane human being would have known when to stop long before rules requiring extra caregivers were needed. I hear so often how great we are for doing what we do and that I am a "saint." Ugg. Nooooo! I am human. I get tired of it all, too, at times. My kids see the grumpy mom more than I would like. I often know in my head what each child needs from me and from life, but my energy level doesn't match.
Brishen needs someone to play board games with him, to spend one-on-one time with him, to help him process all the day's world news. He needs his time away from us, either in his room or off with the youth group. He needs to watch super hero movies and listen to cool music so he can talk about it with his friends and not be the weird pastor's kid.
Basia needs activity. She needs friends over and play dates and parties and sports. She needs someone to teach her to sew and knit and cook and iron. She needs to ride her bike around the neighborhood and then come home and help her make a multi-course meal. There is no end to her energy and excitement for life, and she needs a mom to match that.
The other kids have had complicated early lives that have left different needs that are still being revealed and studied and explored.
Soren needs routine. He needs someone to sit down with him to explain the calendar for the week and then again each and every day. He needs to know what we will do and when we will do it. He needs to know what we will eat, drink, and watch at what time. He needs to feel safe and secure and powerful and important. He has a thirst for knowledge and would like to know every detail about everything and hear it over and over until it is fully committed to his memory. He needs to be the best and first at everything.
Cassia needs to feel helpful. She needs us to rely on her to help with meals and cleaning and baby care and decisions. She needs us to listen to her and for her siblings to follow her lead and instructions. She needs to feel beautiful and smart. She needs to be the first little one to read, and she would like that to be right now.
Zade needs security in big ways. Anything to upset his world (good or bad) can set him back for weeks. He needs me to never, ever leave his sight even though he doesn't realize that on a conscious level. As soon as I leave the room, he is sure to act out against someone. How could it have taken me so long to realize that he was left for days at a time when he was the most vulnerable and tiny and developing his brain? A mom walking out of the room is a mom he may not see for hours or days or weeks or...ever. Ouch. How sad to know he still carries that fear at such a primal level. At the same time, Zade needs his space from the other kids. He needs to know what is his and for no one else to ever touch it. He needs hugs and love but he also needs to be the one to initiate it a lot of the time. He needs the reminder to relax his face and smile when his instincts are telling him to fight. He needs to be taught that so much of what he sees as a fight is not a big deal at all. He needs Cassia to love him most of all so he always has a bestie.
Tobias needs to be a baby. He needs to be held and cuddled and babied. He needs to feel strong and independent when that is his mood and when he is trying to keep up with the others, but mostly he would like to trade places with the baby. He is only starting to let on that that is his biggest need. He needs me to rock him to sleep and sing him lullabies. He needs to sort and organize and make sense of his world in pretty strange ways, like by being allowed to carry around perfectly folded rugs or having every single yellow block without exception every single day of his life.
Edison needs me. He needs me 100 percent of the time. Ever since the baby spent days in the hospital, he has been afraid that I will leave him again. He needs to go with me on every errand. He would rather sit in the van for hours than ever be left behind. He needs to be with me as I cook. He needs to seek me out if I am getting ready in the morning. He needs his naps. He needs a lot of peanut butter and shredded wheat because he refuses enough meals to get shaky and really cranky. He needs to rule the play room and have any toy he wants at any time he demands it. The same can be said for the TV.
The Baby (Roo) needs me to carry him around so he can see the world and activities from my arms. He is OK napping and going to bed without being rocked, but he will sleep so much better if I hold him for a good thirty quiet minutes before putting him down. He needs tons of siblings to chase and climb on and coo at him. He needs to try a bite or two of solid food but then to hear his favorite words ("all done") so he doesn't have to bear the brutality of having to eat more. Everything is horrible after a couple bites. He needs me to find his pacifier and blanket three times every night. He needs to go on errands with me because he would rather not spend too much time in the arms of anyone but mom.
Man, I try hard to remember all these needs of my kids and figure out little ways to make sure they are met. Thank goodness each day is a new day because tonight I got really, really tired. I saw the needs and had no energy left in me to meet them. Thankfully the day was mostly over and Jon was super dad today, making paper airplanes galore, playing game after game with them in the pool, and soothing a screamer to sleep at the end of the day. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will work toward helping my kids heal and grow and feel loved in their own unique ways. And next month? Next month? I'll remember to book some caregiver hours to give me some time away from it all! I think I am going to have to remember my needs, too.
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