Eight is Easy!

Tonight we go to bed with thoughts of how easy life is with eight kids.  That's not what I would have been thinking last night or this morning or even this afternoon.  It's all about perspective, ladies and gentlemen.

We got a call tonight.  Sir Smiles is coming back into foster care.  When he left, I said it was for good.  I said I would not take him back.  I was done with the family visits.  I was done with straight foster placements.  I was done.

A couple months ago, Jon preached one of his sermons, and I left with the realization that I would, indeed, take Sir Smiles back if he needed a home.  If we were called about him, I would not turn my back.  I know it is OK to say no and to be done, but Sir Smiles is a real, live, little guy who has had a really rough start to life.  If he needs a home again, he needs our home.  I can have an agenda and rules about what I will and will not do, but the real life need of a tiny boy I love comes above that agenda.  It does.

Love Does.

I cannot take every child out there.  I wish I could because my heart hurts that there are lots of little ones who are hurting and not enough homes for all of them.  The reality is that I have lots of children who need me to carve out some normal and stability after so many years of instability.  We have always intended to close our home by August 2015, and I do feel that is for the best for everyone.  We aren't even on the list for new foster placements now since their cases will last longer than August 2015.

The only reason they called us because it is Sir Smiles who needs a home.  They always said they would call us for him.  I had an agreement with God that my mind and heart would be open if we got a call.  My heart was not only open, it was broken.  Poor baby.  What has been happening?  Why is he coming back into foster care?  Is he OK?  I'm so mad at his parents.  I feel like I trusted him with my precious boy, even though the reality is that he was never mine and always theirs.  Is he OK?  Is he OK?

We agreed to take him.  They said they would be here in an hour and a half.  It was supper time, so we fed kids, cleaned up a bit, and figured out which room he would stay in this time.  The little kids were over the moon excited that he was returning.

Then we got another call.  Would we also take his little sister?  I asked for time to talk it over with Jon.  The logistics of that would be insane.  We would be back to three in diapers.  We would have two 1-year-olds, 2-two-year-olds, a 3-year-old, and three 4-year-olds, with my big 11-year-old and 16-year-old.  That is craaaaaazy.  How would I do it?  I've had multiple babies before, but my mind couldn't remember how it works.  What do I do when they both have a rough night or both want held or carried or both are crawling in different directions?  Sir Smiles will be angry and confused and may not be happy to be back.  Can we do that AND add another 14-month-old?  No one would say yes to that.  I would have no idea how to break the news of that to our families who already shake their heads at us.

Logic says no, but Love Does.  Some (many) may disagree, but I believe that if we are getting this call then this is what God is asking us to do.  This is Sir Smiles and his sister.  We said we would take them.  The logistics don't make sense, but I truly felt that God would see us through it.  (Don't worry, I do hear your arguments against it and what it would do to us.  No need to shout at your computer!)

We said we would take them both.  The kids were so excited.  Basia hates the idea that we are just about done fostering.  Cassia wants a roommate.  Soren wants Sir Smiles back since he always felt like they were brothers in a special way.  Edison wants his partner in crime back.

We tore apart Cassia's pretty room to make space for a crib.  We lugged in a toddler bed for Sir Smiles in Soren and Edison's room.  I set out pajamas for them both.  I saved my supper in case they hadn't eaten.  I put on a movie to occupy the kids while we signed all the necessary documents.

The hour passed, and we waited for the doorbell to ring.  Instead my phone rang.  CPS worked out an agreement with whoever the kids are staying with to allow them to stay there.  Sir Smiles and his little sister are not coming.  Even though I had warned my kids that we did not know how long the two would stay with us, it killed me to have to tell them they were not coming at all.  Soren, Cassia, and Basia took it the hardest.

"Why did tonight have to happen?" I want to scream. We were peaceful and happy and in a really good place.  Why did I have to add instability and uncertainty back into my kids' lives?  Why did I have to open that wound with the chance that maybe he would come back after all when all along I had told them he was gone for good?  Why, God?  Did I mess up?  Is there something I need to learn from this?  Why did my kids have to suffer again?

In the midst of the sadness and confusion, I try to find the bright side.  8 kids is easy.  I only have one in diapers.  I only have one who wakes in the night.  I don't need a double or triple stroller.  I only have one more child to potty train, and I have another year or so before I even need to think of that.  I know how to do this 8-kid thing.  It may have seemed hard a few hours ago, but after thinking of having 10, I have a new perspective.  We're in a good groove.

We will pray for Sir Smiles, since that is all we can do.  We don't know where he is or what he has suffered or if he is safe or if CPS will be checking to make sure this home does what they said they will do.  I have to let that go.  I can't be with him, but I can pray for God to be with him.  We also pray for our kids, that I will know the right words to say and things to do now and in the future.  I pray for me, that I will be able to let go.  I cannot undo what was done tonight.  I cannot wish to parent a child who is meant to be with someone else.  I have so many little blessings in my life, and one really tall one.

What is that part I struggle with of the Wesleyan prayer?  "Let me be employed for thee or let me be laid aside for thee."  We were willing to be further employed for God but instead were laid aside, which is just as it was supposed to be...for some reason.