Flash Back Idea

I had a flash back tonight that makes me think of something that would be very useful right now.  I was remembering way back to the volleyball days when a coach made a CD (OK, maybe it was a tape?) with songs that were supposed to motivate us to be our best and give our best and believe in ourselves.

I so totally need one of those right now!!! 

I would pop it in every time an adoption agency told me that they have another list of requirements that I have to meet, another stack of papers I need to sign, another set of hoops that I need to jump through, another closet they need to rummage through (they haven't done that, exactly, but close enough).  Truly, there are moments when I really do wonder if it all is worth it, if I can give one more ounce of myself to this process that seems never ending.  There are only two things that make me able to keep the snail's pace of momentum that we have going.

1.  I have living proof in my own house that it is all so very worth it in the end.  I really don't know what I would do without Basia right now.  She is proof that we have done this before, that we went through reams of paperwork, countless questions and forms, i's to dot and t's to cross, slow agencies, actual, horrible heartbreak AND IT ALL WORKED OUT more beautifully than I could have ever dreamed.  We have Basia.  Adoption is amazing.

2.  The idea of throwing in the towel, of giving up, of taking my life back, is more daunting than the process itself, even if it sometimes seems like such a small difference between the two.  Tonight I looked at both options, and the heartbreak involved in giving up is too huge.  We press on.

So, I take the email I got tonight, with the new list of items they need for our file before we can move forward, and I don't cry (well, maybe I will).  I blast Eminem's "Lose Yourself" (including the expletives, which are very helpful at times like this).  I remember that we only have this one shot at life, one shot to do the things we want to do, to be the people we want to be.  We can chose the life where things are easy and safe and known.  That's not us, though.  We have this one life.  That's it.  One shot.

Off I go to listen to Destiny's Child's "Survivor"...