My Experience As A Mega Couponer

You know that show, where they clip coupons in insane numbers, get $1342 worth of groceries for $0.46, and have large rooms dedicated to having enough deodorant to last them and everyone they've ever met for 6.8 years?  Well, we've watched it a few times.  Basia instantly had a life's mission.  She rummaged through my recycling can and cut out all sorts of coupons.  Of course, they were weekly ads and not coupons at all, but I'm certainly not telling her that.

The show did inspire me a bit, too, so I thought I'd venture into the world of couponing and getting things for free in my own smaller, don't-need-counseling-for-buying-hundreds-of-bags-of-kitty-litter-for-a-cat-I-don't-have and don't-need-to-add-on-rooms-to-my-house-for-that-very-same-litter sort of way. I, too, want to have large amounts of useless, and sometimes even useful, things for free, it seems. I joined a couple websites that let you know the best deals.  I signed up for free samples all over the place.  I started entering contests online to win spectacular gifts.  I spent entirely too much time on printing out coupons on paper that was not free using printer ink that was certainly not free (how do you get the coupon printing software to let you choose to only print in black ink, anyway?).  I made a list.  I mapped out a course of which store to go to in order to get Jello for 8 cents a box, which to get a Dora toothbrush for free, and which store to get various other products that I really don't need or necessarily want for ridiculously low sums of money.

I was on a mission.  I was trying my hand, and I had a daughter who was very excited to go shopping with me for once, and who now dreamed of getting to use the word "stockpile" on a regular basis.  Only, things didn't quite turn out as they do on that certain show.  I ventured to store after store, where I found that the prices those expert sites quoted only exist in a fictional world or else in the sticks of Alabama.  I found that the Dora toothbrush that is sold for only $1 at Walmart that can be bought using my $1 coupon does not exist.  I found that the cream cheese that can be purchased for $0.19 at my local Target when I smartly apply the sale price at Target, the manufacturer's coupon that I print off (using that not-free ink, mind you), AND the Target coupon on their website, actually cannot be found at my local Target store no matter how long I search.  Those batteries?  The ones that I am told sell in four packs at my store's check out isles for next to nothing and are practically free with that valuable coupon I printed (did I mention the ink I used for printing??), in real life (or at least in El Paso, TX) are sold only in six packs for several extra dollars.

Picture the above discoveries happening over and over again.  Picture me searching store after store for hours, finding that virtually none of my coupons would get me anything close to free or cheap items.  Picture me buying things that I normally would not for somewhat lower prices.   Picture me having a little girl with me at each check-out counter, expecting mom to work miracles and save 97%.  Picture that little girl trying to look just like those ladies on that show I mentioned, very serious about our savings.  Picture her asking me how much I spent.  Picture me telling her all those items only cost me $79 and her being very impressed.  Picture me leaving out the details that I spent $79 on $82 worth of junk that may have been cheaper than it could have been but that would be hard to fashion into real, actual, edible meals, even though my real, actual grocery funds were shrinking with each purchase. Picture me tired, grumpy, and very sick of shopping with a big pile of coupons (printed using some expensive color ink) that were doing me no good at all.

Picture my mega couponing days coming to an end a full day after they started.  Picture me d.o.n.e.

However, there is more to this story, for I had already spent those hours on that computer, entering drawings and doing surveys to get people to hand me the big bucks for free.  That means I now get 2,147 pieces of junk email each and every day, no matter how many times I unsubscribe.  Luckily, by day two of my adventures in getting all sorts of great products for free, I realized that, even if that company will send me one of those candles that normally costs $1.47, for a full $1.47 off, plus free shipping if I enter the right code, in the end I will simply have a candle that I don't need or particularly want cluttering my house and will have my email address sold to 1,476,111 crappy companies for my trouble.

It wasn't all a waste, however, because I was a lucky winner in two full drawings!  Yes, I am now the proud owner of a pair of adorable baby leg warmers and a fairly pricey baby carrier.  I just haven't yet decided whether to use them with my 8-year-old or my 13-year-old...