The Guilt

Tonight was book club night with the group I joined three months ago.  I didn't like the book.  There were secrets and murder and affairs.  I'm an inspirational true story sort of reader.  I think there is enough drama in real life that I prefer to not add to it with made up dramas in books or TV.  Comedy?  Sure.  Drama?  No, thanks.

Yes, I realize I am a snob.  I realize there is a lot to gain from all sorts of books, and that it is good to have a book club to push me out of my comfort zone.  Still I wondered if I would be the only one who didn't care for the book.  There was one who was vague in her praise of the book, so there's a chance that she didn't like it, but the others thought it was great.  I realized that they enjoyed it because they read quite a bit of fiction.  When I mentioned that I read 95 percent nonfiction, they thought I meant parenting books and homeschooling books.  That's not what I mean, and it showed that we were coming to this book from very different places, literature-speaking.

But, guess what?  The discussion tonight was amazing!  We veered so far off topic time and time again that it was hard to get back to the book at all.  The book had themes of secrecy and guilt.  Those topics alone got us talking about many, many topics.  The ladies are all wonderful, and I really am so glad to be a part of them.  I love that there are a couple ladies pregnant with their fourth and fifth children and a lady who has seven kid and another with eight kids.  We can relate in so many big ways!

Guilt.  It was a major theme of the book and of our discussions.  A mom once pointedly asked us each to share what made us feel guilty.  Oh, lordy, do I have a list.  A long, long list.  It was amazing, though, to hear the same items on the lists of other moms or to hear their very different lists that highlighted the ways that we each are good at something the other is not and that the grass may not be greener.  There's guilt over there, too.

There was a lot of agreement about the fact that we are so much more forgiving of others than we are of ourselves.  We also expect so much more of ourselves that we would ever expect of anyone else.  The guilt is getting us nowhere.

The discussion got me to thinking.  I have been trying to pointedly think through my day each night and think about where I messed up and what I did right, among other things.  I hate that I mess up in the same ways every single day, but each night I do realize that I can try again tomorrow.  I think of that as accepting my human-ness.

I cannot get it all right even for one single day.

I cannot.

I accept that about myself each night.  The problem is, though, that I wake up the next day full of hope for a new start and a new day.  I guess that's not really a problem other than the fact that I have the same exact super high expectations of myself for the new day.  I couldn't do it all yesterday or the day before or the day before, but today's goal is the same.  How could there ever be anything but self disappointment at the end of the day?  It's guaranteed.  The guilt of my failings will be there because the failings will be there.

I did make a step in the right direction this week, though.  I threw away craft supplies.  I have a house full of little ones, and I threw away (or donated) a lot of fun little craft supplies and activities.  My kids will survive if I don't do cutesy crafts with them.  I think there are probably real artists who never glued puff balls on paper to make a sheep during the spring season with their mom's loving help.  I don't have to be that mom.  That can be someone else's gift in life.  I also got rid of some cake pans, canning supplies, and adorable Jell-O molds.  That's not my life any more.  I promise to put food on the table at the appropriate time, but it won't be as fancy or adorable or as home-made as it once was.  I bagged up lots of clothes that I love but that no longer fit because I don't really need their help each morning to see how much I'm failing in that area.  I am this me right now.  Who knows who the future me will be, but she can find her own way and passions without dreaming of someone else's ideal or my own past glory days.

I have a long way to go.  I have a very long list of daily failings and should-have, would-have, could-haves.  My garage is insane right now.  My love and patience for my kids is not everlasting or always at the front of my mind.  My thank you note list is so, so, so far over due.  I owe emails and calls to people I love.  I have a list of appointments I need to make.  I never ever make as much time as I want to read scripture or Bible studies.  I have a lovely walk I want to take every day.  I have stacks of books I want to read to my children.  This paragraph could go on indefinitely.  It would be just as long tomorrow and the next day and the next.  

I have to find a way to get rid of the nightly guilt, and it isn't going to happen because I become perfect.  That means I have to find ways to let go of some of my expectations for what I should accomplish and who I should be.  I don't want to just forgive myself every night as I ask God for forgiveness and hope for a better me in the morrow.  I want to accept myself and my limitations and my current circumstances.  Yes, I truly want to be a wee drop closer to perfect each and every day (OK, I'd love to be more than a wee drop, but I know from experience that that's an unlikely dream). I want to strive to be a better person, but perfection doesn't likely have much to do with the state of my garage or the fanciness of my dinner.

That's right.  Now I've found a way to feel guilty about all the things that make me feel guilty.  I'm pretty sure I'm not alone.  My book club ladies are probably having similar thoughts tonight.  Knowing we are in this together is a pretty powerful good feeling.  It wasn't my favorite book or my favorite type of book, but I give kudos to the author for bringing about some pretty important discussion.