3 Year Foster Care Journey, Part 1

This week marks three full years that we have been foster parents.  That's a long time since we were just "fostering a child or two while we wait" to be matched with a waiting sibling group.

We were never truly drawn to fostering.  That was not our plan for our life at this point.  We wanted to adopt children who were waiting for a family.  Photo listings are full of the children needing homes.  We knew that we could be the home for a group of those kids.  We had some space so we agreed to foster a couple kids while we waited the sometimes long process of being matched.

The First Group

On November 19, 2011, we received a call from our agency director.  We were at a homeschool event at a playground.  They had a sibling group of FOUR foster kids age 5 and under who needed a temporary home.  When we said yes to that call, we changed the course of our lives forever.

We were no longer waiting to be matched.  Our house was instantly full of foster kids and our 8-year-old Basia and 13-year-old Brishen.  We couldn't inquire about waiting children, and we didn't even mind for some reason.  We never would have gone into our homestudy with this plan to be foster parents.  That was not OUR plan.  Luckily we are quite prone to saying "yes" when confronted with a need such as this.  I don't regret that first "yes" at all.

Those first kids were definitely a baptism by fire.  The oldest had serious aggression (and language) issues.  He called me every name under the stars.  He kicked Basia and our dog.  He tried to elbow me in the face repeatedly (thankfully I had some mad Taekwondo blocking skills).  He ripped things off the walls.  His behavior at school required me to stay late to talk to the teacher virtually every single day.  During his biggest rage I sat on the floor as I had read in a book.  I wanted him to know that I wasn't going to be raging right back.  No matter what he did, I was not his enemy.  I was not going to react in big ways.  He was safe.  It was crazy and lasted for a very long time and caused us to miss a Christmas party.

I went in to talk to the agency director the next day to report what had been happening and to apologize for missing the party.  He was stunned but not because of anything our little guy did.  He was stunned that we handled it all on our own.  He was stunned that I hadn't called him in tears.  That day, we became beloved at our agency, and the feeling was mutual.  That day we were labeled "The Moores, who are so great with the little ones."  Our fate was sealed.

From that moment on, we were only called for little ones even though we were prepared (and actually thought we wanted) kids up to the age of 13.  We were never thought of as a "foster a couple kids while we wait to adopt" family by our agency or even by ourselves.  We were foster parents.

We were quite sad when those four little ones were split up and sent to various family members three months later.  That little raging 5-year-old continued to have major issues at school but was an awesome kid at home for us.  We never had another major problem with him.  We can't say the same for his 15-month-old brother who lived to hurt the tiny baby and our dog any chance he got.  We also had plenty of problems with their parents, including them making up all sorts of injuries and abuse the kids were supposedly suffering at our hands.

By this time, we were needing to move from our rental home, so we bought a bigger house in anticipation of the kids to come (I get tears knowing now who those kids are).  We also bought a bigger van to transport the future kids.  We asked not to be called for future sibling groups until after our move in March 2012.

Miss Personality

Before we moved, we were asked to please take a little baby who they felt would be great in our family.  Once again, we heard ourselves say "yes" (this is a common word in our fostering journey, thankfully).  Miss Personality was brought to us late one night at 7 months old.   It was love at first sight.  She reminded me of baby Basia.  She was so happy and so funny and so cute.  She was just the sort of baby who everyone loved.  She brought a life to our home that lasted the entire year she was with us.

Speaking of the year she was with us, I had only one plea when we agreed to foster.  I begged God for us to not keep a child for a year and have to return them.  I didn't want to do that.  I didn't think I could do that.  Three months was hard enough, but it was doable.  I was more than happy to be a temporary home for a few months and then let a child go.  Just please, God, please, don't let anyone stay a full year and then have to leave.

Miss Personality came in February of 2012 and returned to her mom in February of 2013, a full year later.  It was horrible.   It was heartbreaking.  I still look to one moment in particular when I think of the most painful moments in my life.  Miss Personality was allowed to go on a two-week vacation with her mom over the Christmas/New Year time period, but she was not yet reunited, so CPS wanted her to return to us after those two weeks so we could finish the transition to her fully being home with her mom.  It made no sense at all.

After being with her mom for two full weeks, Basia and I picked her up.  She was confused at first but quickly became very excited.  We got home to the other little ones:  Cassia, Edison, and Zade.  All of the kids were over the moon excited to be together again and to have Miss Personality back.  They played and danced and cheered and loved on each other as much as possible.  Edison was still only a baby, and it was perfectly obvious that even he was extremely excited to see his sister again.

It would have been a beautiful sight except I knew that this reunification was very temporary and that she would leave us for good in a couple weeks.  My tears just flowed.  That night is still so clear in my mind, and it is such a combination of beauty and pain.

When we brought Miss Personality to the CPS building and handed her and all of her (many) belongings to her mom, there was no way I could be strong.  Her mom was so nice in letting us hug her and cry before returning her forever.   I held her tight and gave her all the last love I could and cried and cried.

A couple hours later we laughed about something.  Basia said that she knew then that our family was strong enough to be OK even when things are tough.  She was right.  Saying our goodbyes to Miss Personality after raising her for a year was as hard as one would imagine.  That year we had with her, though, made it worth every single tear we cried.  That is how we could continue.  The pain is the worst.  The absolute worst.  The impact you are able to have on the kids and the impact those kids have on our family while we are together is the best.  The absolute best.

That very day we received the news that Zade was free for adoption, but his story will come another day.