I feel to the depths of my soul that I was made to be this person and to do just what I am doing. I look back at my high school dreams for my future life, and they've been tweaked and are quite a bit less exotic, but this is the life I wanted. A book I'm reading made me want to look back a little, back at some of the journey that brought me to this point. It was a journey with 12 years of infertility, 12 years of praying for God to let me give birth to another child. Here is a post that was written the year I started blogging and the year I gave up that dream of having a bunch of kids, just over 6 years ago:
When I accepted living life with "just" two kids.
Oh, man, do I remember those emotions so clearly. Oh, man, do I remember the day I wrote that post. Oh, man, did that Melani forget that God has plans that are so far greater than any I could imagine for myself. Life was so good and beautiful and easy with two kids, but God had more planned that is also just so right.
That Melani didn't know that we would be moving one day and would one day have money enough to think about adopting again. That Melani didn't know the twisted path that would lead us to all sorts of amazing children. That Melani didn't know that her dream of having four kids was only about half good enough for the real life I would lead. That Melani thought it would be great to have kids close together in age. She had no idea!
Does this amazing "now" erase all those years of longing? No. Those years were real, too. As I searched for that post, I knew I had found it as soon as I read the title. A wave of emotion hit me. Even knowing what I know now, I still got tears as I reread that post. That was a hard day. That experience of 12 years helps me feel immensely blessed to be surrounded by kids, but that infertile Melani is still part of me and always will be. I feel it most when I hear of others in the midst of their own fertility struggles. I am a mom of 8 who knows, really knows, how it feels to long for a child and face month after month and year after year of disappointment.
The road was longer than I had hoped and really hard at times. The road had all sorts of bumps and took various turns that I never anticipated. From this side of the journey to my children, however, I truly cannot imagine having it unfold any other way.
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1 comment:
Oh my goodness, reading that first post brought tears to my eyes! I have so been there! I would *love* to have more bio kids, but I can't handle the monthly roller coaster of trying to get there. Granted, I have won the lottery 4 times, but especially with W&W--It was that heartbreak every month for months and months and months, plus mexican clomid and herbal fertility teas and pills. I can't handle it anymore. I have to be DONE because my heart can't handle it. I doubt adoption is in our future so I'm sure 4 kids is our number...but who knows. I'll be content with "just" 4.
Did I tell you at least a year ago my time of the month was a good week late? I felt like I had symptoms and this was going to be our first ever surprise pregnancy!!! I finally took a test and THERE WERE TWO LINES!!! My heart literally stopped!!! I put the test down all excited about how I was going to surprise Nathan with the news. I went back to just double check and then I saw on the test that two lines meant *NOT* pregnant, and a plus symbol meant pregnant (or something totally unusual like that). I was SO crushed. Like, bawling bawling bawling. Then my time of the month started the next day. Awesome.
Anyway, I love how you said that everything built to something else. If we hadn't lost Sariah we wouldn't have fought for Wesley. If we hadn't lost Nathaniel, we wouldn't have fought for William. If I could, I would change everything and have Sariah and Nathaniel here...but life played out differently. I think this is the family we were meant to be, even if it hurts to have missing people.
Anyway, I better end this book of a comment lol! I read every post you publish, even when I don't comment. I can't comment when I'm on my phone so I have to wait until I'm on a real computer. :)
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