Fostering Conclusions

The kids are real.  The other people who will step forward if we don't are imaginary.  

That, in a nutshell, is why I am so glad that we became foster parents and why I would recommend it to absolutely anyone who is willing and able to give up control in their life to a child in need and to a big bureaucracy at the same time.

Not every person is called to be a foster parent, of course, but lots and lots and lots of people feel a nudge, a stir of interest, or a pull toward fostering but do not act on it because of fears and misconceptions and the fact that it is quite honestly going to be HARD at times.  We have seen the HARD times in lots of ways I wish we never had.  Even so, we do not regret that we stepped forward.

I had a good childhood.  Let me rephrase that.  I had a gooood childhood.  I have always been loved.  I have always had food and someone to remember to feed me that food.  I have always had somewhere to live.  My parents were never too drunk or drugged to meet my needs.  There is a whole other world out there, though, that can stay hidden if we stay too comfortable in our happy lives.

I am a different person now that I have repeatedly looked in the eyes of those who were not so lucky.

 I can read a book about homeless teen girls who's choices are really limited, and it touches me deeply.  It's nothing compared to knowing the name and the face of one of these girls and listening to her when she is on the path to setting her life up for a better future for herself and her kids.  The kids of those girls sometimes need homes for a while to give their moms a chance to get their lives together better, and sometimes they need homes forever so they have a chance at a different life altogether.

I have seen too many moms who have been hurt by men who were supposed to love them.  I have seen the breaks and the bruises with my own eyes.  The kids sometimes need a home while their mom gets the strength to walk away.  Other times the kids need a place to stay forever so the little boys do not turn into another man who will strike a woman and so the little girls don't think they deserve to be hurt.

I have seen the earnestness in the eyes of a dad who wanted nothing more than to be the perfect father for his kids and did everything CPS asked him to do as quickly as he possibly could.  I heard later that life became too much for him again, and drugs were the only answer he could find.  He's a good guy who adores his kids.  He's not a statistic to me anymore.  I once handed his son back to him and begged him to take good care of this child I loved.  He assured me he would, but he just couldn't keep it up forever.  Sometimes the children of these dads need a home for a while, and sometimes they need a new home forever.

The history of neglect and drug use and CPS involvement runs deep in some of these families.  The grandparents are no more stable than the parents, and the parents have spent time as foster kids, themselves, in so many of the stories I know.  It takes someone VERY strong to break the cycle, and often it's too much for someone to do when they have never known any different way to live.  The kids in these families sometimes need a home for a while so the parents can find a way to break away.  Lots of other times, these kids need a new place forever so that they have a chance to stop this history from repeating itself again and again.

I have locked eyes with these men and women.  I have handed children back and forth with them.  I have listened to their stories with tears in my eyes.  I have seen their anger and annoyance and desire to blame someone else.  I have witnessed their bursts of strength and determination and also seen them lose hope and quit trying.  I have seen the kids suffer.  I have seen the kids thrive.

I have seen the kids.

I would do this over a million times if it means being the one who stepped forward and offered my home when someone truly needed it.  No pain or heartbreak or paperwork or court hold-up or witness to the system messing up takes away the good that comes from being the home and the arms for one of the kids.  It's tiring, and I'm glad for a break after 4 years, but please don't ever think it wasn't worth it.  My children are not poster children for foster care, but my experiences could fill a poster that would still have the theme: "Step Forward!  They need you!  It's worth it!"