I remember walking around with my two new little ones, less than a year apart in age. I would wear one in a sling and carry the other. I got the "you've got your hands full" quite a bit. It wasn't easy, but after a month I felt we were in a groove. We started having time to take walks and just enjoy our new house and life. I have learned that the feeling of peace means there's a new challenge (AKA more sweet ones) on the horizon.
Cassia and Edison
When we got the call for Edison and Cassia, I was pretty content with my four kids. Edison was 3 months old, and Cassia was newly 2. I remember clearly having the following thought process:
"What if these are my forever children? I don't want to have said no to our children!"
"CPS will NEVER place an infant and a toddler into a home where there are already an infant and toddler (thanfully!)"
Well, we said we would take them even though I was enjoying the peace of the moment and quite sure that CPS wouldn't place them with us if there was another option. CPS chose our home right away. The next two babies arrived that night. They came to us after spending a few weeks in the Child Crisis Center. It is still hard to comprehend that they lived in a center setting at their ages.
Edison was tiny and starting to get chubby and soooo cute. He slept for the first three hours he was with us. I held him for quite a while, even while signing all the necessary paperwork. Jon and Brishen also held him. When he woke up to blink those giant blue eyes at me for the first time, I was a goner (OK, we all know that I was a goner long before that!).
Edison was happy to be the baby of the family for quite some time, and he still maintains the naughty-baby-of-the-family personality even though he's been a big brother for quite some time. He stops traffic with his cuteness to this day, and having the world smile at him has given him the joy of smiling right back. He makes friends with even the grouchiest old men. He assumes everyone loves him, and he does a good job of making that true.
Cassia was a sad, sad little girl. She wanted nothing to do with us or our house or this scary life she was leading. She cried and stood rigid by the doorway for most of the time the case workers were at our house. We finally thought to bring out a doll and a stroller, and she jumped right in. She was a part of our family from that second on. She went two years without ever speaking to her case worker who she saw at least once a month. She is not about to talk to a stranger or someone she doesn't know very, very well. For some reason, though, she started talking to us right away. I'm still puzzled that she warmed up to us so quickly. Thank goodness for that doll!
In the early days, Cassia had major social anxiety. It still lingers today but allows her to function much better now. There was a time when she would completely shut down in new situations, such as a museum or doctor's office or robotics tournament. She would even disassociate at home quite a bit if she were asked to do something she didn't really want to do or understand. She also had a very odd need to be held by women. She would go up to any female stranger who would hold her. If a caregiver or friend doesn't have good boundaries, Cassia still is one cling a little too much.
Cassia came as a "little mom" which is probably why she was happy to have a doll and stroller of her own. She was used to changing her own diapers and those of her baby brother. She could fully dress herself and get her shoes on the right feet every single time.
She was fully in charge of herself, and we still struggle with this side of her. She is desperate to be in charge of any baby in our home and is convinced she can do absolutely anything I can do. She leaves me in awe because she is my very first girly-girl, but she can ride a bike, navigate the monkey bars, and get dirty with the boys. Actually, she rules the boys in my house, and they all allow it. We have certain kids who get along or get in fights with other kids at various times, but Cassia gets along with every one of them almost all the time.
I cannot tell you how glad I am that I went against logic and accepted another infant and toddler placement even though doing so marked a six-month period when I felt like I completed a marathon every single day. It was hard. Hard hard. This picture of Basia was taken that first month. This is how every one of us felt. These were not two sets of tiny twins we were raising, but parts of it were felt similar to that. I would be feeding two bottles at once. I would wake at night for two babies. I would navigate the emotions and reactions of two toddlers at the same time. These kids, though, came to us with lots of their own baggage and needed healing, so parts of it seemed even harder than having two sets of little twins. It. was. hard, but oh, so worth every bit of it.
I can't tell Cassia and Edison's story without getting into some of the real struggle of fostering to adopt. That will be the subject of my next post.
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